Permanent Smile
by BB-Hodgela-slaudia-forever
Summary: After Claudia's 'disappearence Johnny has lots of emotions. Mainly knowing what truly happened


John Zacchara looked at the clock. Three o'clock in the morning, again. These nightmares ended at the same time every night and then he would lie awake until Olivia would open her eyes and try to give him reason to live again. But his reason for life was gone; his sister was gone. She had disappeared or so everyone kept telling him. Gone without a trace, vanished into the night. Had she really ran off without saying goodbye? Maybe she thought it would be too dangerous for him to know. That had always been her, his sole protector, no matter what. He slowly made his way out of the bed and went into the living room of his and Olivia's shared apartment.

He laid on the couch. They had just gotten back from Puerto Rico, Sonny and her, happy as ever. Saved each others lives, gotten along great, Claudia's smile was brighter than normal. But Sonny had taken her away from him for a week, her last week. The party, God she was so happy then he told everyone what she had not purposely done. Ian Devlin that freaking Ian Devlin did this. You could even said Johnny had done this. Not her, the one thing she was innocent of and that's why she ended up paying.

Nothing traced back to him, just like she promised, they didn't hurt him.

The realization of her never being a mother dawned on him. She wanted that so badly more than anything, to hold her flesh and blood in her arms. But she wanted it with Sonny and that was never going to work out. She needed love, not even he had been able to do that in the end. "Johnny you're a freaking idiot." He mumbled to himself. He wanted to know what had happened to her. Jason would know, right? I mean he himself had led this whole attack on his sister. It was four o'clock, Johnny didn't care he threw on a pair of pants and a jacket and took off.

He banged on the door, wanting to know now. There wasn't the wanting to be told that she disappeared. Was she dead or alive? Johnny pounded on the door again. Jason finally opened the door. "Johnny what do you need? You know it's four o'clock right?" Jason asked tiredly. Johnny pushed his way in. "Yea I know. I need to know Jason." He said looking in the mirror. He looked drunk, in a way he was though, in his own guilt. "Look Johnny she just disappeared like I told you before." Johnny glared at him.

"You had a sister right? When she died didn't you want revenge? Didn't you thirst for it? Oh but you got your revenge, so my feelings right now don't matter at all." His voice was getting louder and louder. "Look Johnny I'm sorry for your loss, but we're all better off without her." Johnny yelled. "I'm not! That was my sister, my blood, the only one I could ever trust with everything! But you don't give a damn! No one does, she's gone, my big sister is gone." Johnny was on the verge of tears, but concealed them quickly not wanting the older man to see. "Johnny I'm gonna give it to you straight. I wasn't there, only Sonny or Carly would know. If you see Sonny I'd be careful he's been off lately." Jason told him as he ran to the door. Off to Greystone.

Max had let him in, saying that Sonny was still awake. Johnny walked into the living room, no Sonny; maybe he was upstairs. He heard the pound of a glass hit something in Claudia's old room. He ran up there, maybe just maybe it was her and this was just a nightmare. "Please be there." He whispered to himself. When he opened the door it was just Sonny looking around her room. His pain threatened to boil over into tears. Seeing this room, her room. His guilt resurfaced, but quickly faded as he examined Sonny.

Sonny looked drunk, probably was, knowing him. "Sonny what the hell are you doing?" Johnny's anger was rising. "This is her room and our house and she's not here." Johnny took note of his blood shot eyes, from the licker probably, but maybe from crying. "What are you doing here?" Sonny demanded. "I want to know what really went down that night. I want to know if my sister is hurt, or dead, or alive. I want answers damn it!" Johnny's anger flared knowing his sister could be hurt and he could do nothing.

"Look Johnny she just-" "Don't you dare say disappeared. I'm sick of that word! I want to know what happened to her." "Johnny she vanished, she's alive and well somewhere. Everyone thinks she's dead for their own good, I was the only other one there. She made me listen to her explanation, I get it. Don't you dare tell Jason." Johnny couldn't tell if Sonny was for real or just so drunk that's what he wanted to believe. "I'm not drunk by the way John." Sonny told him, as if reading his mind. They said goodbye and Johnny went back to the apartment. To the last reason he had to live.

He didn't believe Sonny. There was something about the way he felt, the emptiness told him she wasn't there.

~~~~~1 year later~~~

He walked up to her grave, the tombstone. It had been a year without her, his sister. Yet he was still here, still alive and kicking, giving it all just to stay one up on everyone. Just like she would've wanted. He picked up the dead flowers to replace them with new ones when he noticed a piece of paper behind the tombstone. He picked it up and opened it. That was her handwriting.

_Hey baby brother,_

_You don't know what it took to get this note to you. It's worth it though. You need to know I miss you terribly and love you so much. I had to leave Johnny, our lives were at stake and I could risk any of our lives. Sonny helped me escape, he's gonna help you, he promised. Look Sonny doesn't know where I am and neither can you. Johnny take care of yourself and I love you always no matter what. _

_Love,_

_Claudia._

His heart fluttered. She was alive and okay. Everything could be okay again. If only she could come back, but she said that wasn't possible. He put the note in his side pocket and walked from the grave. A smile permanently on his face.


End file.
